I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
