i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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