So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
