i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
