I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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