I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
