pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He passed out mid-signature
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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