I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
