I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm jealous of your bromance
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
