My underwear smells like fireworks.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
