I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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