My liver just broke up with me...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
