I wish I could teleport
I am spending my child support on dildos
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
