Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
im having a threesome with these popsicles
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
