Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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