Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Every concussion has its silver lining
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
