fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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