DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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