Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
