How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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