Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
