separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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