OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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