note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You made out with two different species that night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
