I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
