You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
