apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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