maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How does one acquire holy water?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
