just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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