I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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