I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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