Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
