You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
