Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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