im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
