She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I want her autograph on my taint
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It's blow job season.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
