Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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