all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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