He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
