You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
