U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
