Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Boobs speak an international language.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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