I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
