my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I will pee on everything he values.
You made out with two different species that night
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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