My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
