i would punch a child for taco bell
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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