I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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