You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
