my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
