apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
