Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
