I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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