Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
