you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
