tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
