Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
