You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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