omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
