Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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