she woke up with a sticky ear
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
