What a fucking waste of an outfit
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
